Defeat...

*****Warning long post ahead*****

If you know me at all...you know that 2009 has not been my year. To be frank this year has stunk! Some really bad things happened to me and it just seems that this is not the year for anything to work in my favor. For the most part I have been able to embrace this strange phenomenon, with the help of my amazing friends, and not think too much about it. Today, I hit a low...I don't know or why maybe it is because I am tired, a little bit sick, frustrated, sad, whatever...but today put me over the top. It was my tipping point.

I was so looking forward to today...Ever since Sunday, when I went to church, I have been excited for Saturday. Apparently, the church I went to has a 20's and 30's group! I was super excited about this and today was their kick-off! I was planning on going. They were going to do an "Amazing Race' type thing around Seoul and then end with a BBQ at the church. If you know me at all this is TOTALLY my thing! I was so excited and I didn't even mind that I had to go by myself.

I left the house with plenty of time to spare. I was even a little early, shocking I know, so I went to Itaewon to poke around some shops for a bit. Well, I was still early but I thought it would be a good idea to go to the church because the only time I went was in a car and this time I had to take the train and use my feet. I thought I was paying attention with Sun-Young told me how to get the church, and I am normally so good with directions but today something was off...

Today, I was defeated...I started off taking exit 4...I walked about a 3/4 of a mile...didn't see the road I needed to turn down so decided to turn back...good thing I had that extra time! So I tried Exit 1...walked about 3/4 mile...didn't see the street...my thoughts...

"Hmmm....not like I can ask for directions....Let's try 2...I still have five minutes if I really hurry I can make it! God please let me make it! I am totally craving community....I am totally putting myself out there...God please BLESS ME!!!"

At this point my frustration level is high...4:00 has now come and gone and I am totally lost....At this point I am alsoabout a mile away from the train station and I am sweating and tired and sad...very very sad. So, I sat right down on the side of the road admitted defeat...got angry that my blessing didn't come...and had a grand old pity party for myself. Tears and all!

At this point I am thinking...Now what do I do...I don't just want to get back on the train and go home because it takes an hour and twenty minutes. I decide that I will go to the place I went last weekend and check out the digital flower show. Well two train transfers later, I found myself at City Hall Plaza...and I walked out to a concert! They were setting up so I walked around a bit and this is what I saw:

The building is really cool...all the colors are colorful plastic discs that move in the wind! It was neat! I got my FREE bottle of water and comfy sitting mat (below) and sat and rested my weary feet.

After I took a rest, I decided that the show wasn't going to start until later and I should try to go find the cement river...I did't know the name...and the digital flower show. I am starting to feel a little bit better but I am lonely...I am really wishing for someone to hang with...But I found Cheonggye stream aka cement river...and at the beginning there was a history exhibit outlining Korea's history of becoming an independent country. It was very interesting:

This is the top of the 'river.' It is actually quite amazing...it all starts at a fountain and builds into the waterfall and river.

About three block downstream is where the digital flower garden is...It was hard for me to take pictures because I don't always understand my camera but I thought this one was cool!

I sat and enjoyed the show for a while...there were a lot of couples and families...which made me realize that I really need a friend! But the show was beautiful. I decided I would go back and check out the concert which was pretty neat. There was a big 'boy band type' group, some traditional drummers, an opera duet, and a musical painting presentation. I decided it was now late enough that I had to start thinking about heading back home. I went to the train station and thought I should use the bathroom before I get on the train to go home...TRACY this picture is for you!!!!

On the train I was still feeling sorry for myself and a little bit depressed how the day ended up turning out. I decided I needed a little Mary Mary in my life. Of course the first song I hear was "Can't Give Up Now" I really listened to the lyrics and was moved:

"There will be mountains, that I will have to climb, and there will be battles, that I will have to fight,...but victory or defeat...it is up to me to decide...but how can I expect to win if I never try? I just can't give up now! I've come to far from where I started from. Nobody told me the road would be easy and I don't believe that He brought me this far to leave me."

-Mary Mary 'Can't Give Up Now'

I started the day by stretching myself and going outside of my comfort zone. I tried...I climbed a lot of mountains...and I ignorantly thought that just because I was trying, that God would bless me and make everything just work out. I even had the audacity to tell God....'this is the last time I put myself out there!' Listening to that song was convicting. Conviction that didn't come from a real live person sitting next to me...conviction that God knew I needed so He provided a different way. The road isn't easy...this year isn't easy...but I can't give up now...He didn't bring me all the way to October just to leave me!

I still need community and a friend...but I also know that being alone and doing things by myself is good too...Needless to say I will not be going to church tomorrow because I don't know where it is :) However, I will worship...I will continue on the road...I know that God will not leave me...and I will get my blessing!